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Currently Listening: She Will Be Loved, Maroon 5
Currently Eating: Chicken Quesadilla and a Mountain Dew (I’m drinking the Dew)
Current Mood: Confused/Angry/Bitter/Lonely
prepare yourselves for a little ranting and bitching
(song change-Rufus Wainwright-Hallelujah)
in order for any of this to make sense to most (if not all) of you, you'll need
a touch of background information. My parents divorced when I was three, and I
stayed living with my mom till about my fifth grade year. I moved to Allegan
with my father and lived with him until the physical abuse was so bad that I
had to worry about the safety of my life. I moved back to my mom's house
my freshman year of high school, and cut off most communication with my father.
On May 29, 2001, my father took his life with a pull of a gun's trigger. I had
started going to church a little before he died, and on June 9, 2001 I accepted
Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, mainly at the youth pastor's
suggestion as a way to deal with my grief. A year later I made Profession of
Faith and started to live for God. No matter where I went, I wanted people to
know that I was a Christian. I became heavily involved with my church and their
after school community center, and had decided to pursue youth Ministry as a
career, to bring the joy that I had found to others who had lived though some
of the hardships I had. This was nearly five years ago, and my life has changed
completely
_-_-_Fast forward to today_-_-_
I found my graduation pamphlet today. It reads:
"Eric started Summit School in the 9th grade and has continued to make
changes ever since. His sense of humor has helped him overcome many obstacles
and heartaches the last four years. Eric took the essence of Summit School to
heart by making LIFE changes, not just school changes. Eric will attend
Reformed Bible College in the fall to become a youth minister"
(Song change: Finger Eleven-One Thing)
reading this brought tears to my eyes. The Eric who had made so many wonderful
"LIFE" changes, who had overcome so many obstacles and heartaches is
dead. The actual date of death is unknown, even to me, but I’m guessing it was
about a year after the above was written.
I did attend Reformed Bible College to become a youth minister. My senior
project in high school was based on youth ministry and it's challenges and
rewards. I entered RBC in the fall of 03 with great expectations and even
greater ambitions. I knew this was the plan God had laid out for me, I knew
that RBC would be the best thing that had ever happened to me, that it would be
exactly the opportunity I needed to spread my wings and flourish in my chosen
vocation, and I couldn't be farther from the truth.
(Song change: Kiss-God of Thunder)
During the first couple of weeks, I called home nearly every night, just to
hear a friendly voice. Over time, I was accepted as and grew into a different
person, I was no longer known as Eric, my name had almost officially become
"moobs;" only my professors and my boss knew me as Eric. Eric and
moobs battled in my head for hours every night, vying for position, trying to
come fully to the surface, and eventually, moobs won.
Eric was stashed away in some dank and dusty crawlspace, hidden away for when I
returned home for the occasional weekend or holiday break. I had started a
xanga for moobs (m00bs) that received many comments and eProps, and life seemed
good, until he started to take over. Moobs was concerned mainly with have fun,
rarely doing any homework, and staying out most nights till the wee hours of
the morning and sleeping thru classes. I had started to forget whom I was,
being so concerned with finally seeming like one of the popular kids, finally
being someone with more than a couple friends.
I think the technical term for what happened to me was
“psychological breakdown.” Whatever it was, I have never been the same since. I
had cut so many classes and ignored so many assignments and examinations that I
was not eligible for reenrollment for the fall of 04, so I moved on. While I
wasn’t a part of RBC anymore I still maintained some of the ties I had made
while being there, and still remained a big part of the after school program,
eventually becoming a leader for the middle school catechism classes. I was so
blinded by my own lies that I still knew that this was the plan God had
laid for me, and that as long as I continued down it I would surely prosper.
(Song change: Nine Inch Nails-Something I Can Never Have)
For a little while, my faith and relationship with God grew.
I was a little disappointed with myself for dropping out of collage, but I
thought I got over that. Slowly but surely, I tore down the walls of my alter
ego, and started to become real again. I started a good job, working as a
janitor (with many advancement opportunities) at JR Automation; a medium sized
custom machine building and engineering shop. Metalwork and die-casting is
something that I’ve always wanted to do, and I had found my best shot at it. I
started this chapter of my life with fervor, giving my 110% everyday and hoping
for the chance to work on machines, instead of cleaning toilets. Slowly but
surely, my higher-ups started to notice my efforts and I was given the chance
to do menial work on the machines JR made. I was taught how to run milling
machines, drill presses, lathes, and other metalworking tools. I thought my
chance for permanent advancement was coming any day, and awaited it anxiously.
I was still working with the church and it’s after school
and night programs when I was let go from JR. I was fired, citing attendance and
job performance. Apparently, I was supposed to value toilets over deadlines,
favor mop buckets to machines. When I looked to God for answers I found nothing
but ridicule and shame. My pastor and former youth pastor, the man who had
shaped so much of my life, offered me no help. These unanswered questions
started to poke holes in this perfect God I had spent so much time worshipping.
This was nearly a year ago, and those pinholes have become gashes and tears in
what I considered the core of my being.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that losing my job was the
start of my troubles. When (if) life seemed good to me, I chased after it in
full stride, often running full-speed into many walls and closed doors. I was
bleeding from long inflicted wounds and there was no one there to bind them. I
was wandering in the dark, lost and cold; and no one offered me a path for my
feet or a blanket for my shoulders. I was searching with no goal, probing into
different areas hoping for some kind of response. The only responses I ever got
were negative, and many were both physically and emotionally devastating.
(Song change: Nine Inch Nails-That’s What I Get)
The views and beliefs that have shaped and changed me
through high school and college have been shattered by this world’s cold heart
and cruel despair. As I sit here now, as I type out the thoughts that have been
rattling around my head, I finally realize that whatever God or higher power
there may be is a cruel and evil being. He/she/it may have created the entire
world and all that is on and in it in six days, but that was the last thing
they’ve had to do with it. We are on our own folks; it’s just you and me. It’s
up to us to figure out what’s supposed to be done with our lives. We’re
the ones who are stuck on this planet awaiting death’s sweet release; anxiously
waiting the day our heart stops and our brains stop sending the impulses that
we know as thoughts.
They say that a parent committing suicide triples the odds
of one of their children doing the same. I vow that I never will take my own
life. No matter how fucked up this whole world may get, no matter how much
despair I feel, I will never be able to cut my arm, swallow the pills or pull
the trigger. It’s not out of love of life, it’s because I know the pain that
suicide causes first hand, and I do not wish it on anyone. Ever. Period. I have
seriously entertained that thought only once, and I regret ever thinking it.
In closing, I swear that every word is true. Every thought
that is laid out on this screen is as close as I can put into words. I don’t
know why I started typing this nearly three hours ago, but I did. And here it
is. The songs I’ve mentioned are what were actually playing after I started
typing that section. All of what I’ve listened to isn’t listed, just the ones
that have meaning.
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